to anyone struggling to walk away,

love should not confuse you more than it comforts you. it’s not something you should have to decode, earn, chase, or shrink for.

you’re allowed to leave something even if it doesn’t hurt all the time.
even if it once made you happy.
even if you understand that the pain they inflict is a reflection of their own.
even if there’s still a part of you that wants to stay.

sometimes the hardest thing to leave is something you convinced yourself would heal. the almosts.
the maybes.
the hope that next time it’ll be better.

but real love doesn’t hold you hostage with hope.
it’s ready, and it meets you where you are.
without conditions.
without the bruise.

you’re allowed to leave even if it isn’t all bad.
even if it used to feel like home.
even if they didn’t mean to hurt you.
even if the good days are crystal clear when you close your eyes.

you’re allowed to want more.
to want to feel safe.
to want to feel steady.

don’t let loneliness convince you to stay somewhere your soul has already left.
don’t let memories tie you to a version that’s a stranger.

you’re not weak for walking away. you’re strong for seeing it as it is.
you’re strong for choosing peace, not potential.

and when you leave, do it with grace.
do it quietly.
but do it completely.

because you deserve a love that feels like rest,
not someone else’s recovery.

from,
jade

here’s a little letter of things i wish someone told me a year ago. though honestly even if i did hear this i was so blinded at the time, God knows if i’d listen.

regardless, i’m thankful for all the people who supported me through it and thus far. you’re all truly irreplaceable.

i grew up in a household where love came strong. it was natural, and there was always so much of it to give away.

giving it to the wrong person… wasn’t something that concerned me as much, because if i was so blessed to live with a full heart, did it really matter if i let someone undeserving warm themselves by its fire? surely, someone would love me if i gave enough of myself away.

as i heal and grow, i realize i really did romanticize the idea of selflessness and truly sacrificing everything for the person you loved. it’s the blessing and curse that comes with having parents who are the standard of what love should be.

i truly have so many regrets, wasting my time and heart on someone so undeserving, but i believe everything happens for a reason, and i thank God for sparing my dignity through it all. i thank God for continuously doing things to keep us apart until i could finally choose to step away on my own. and i thank God for helping my heart heal and grow.

i thought leaving would end me. but after the wave of grief passed, i can’t begin to describe the immeasurable joy and peace in my heart. the light that reignited in me shines so much brighter than the darkness you left, and i’ve never felt more full.

to those who struggle to walk away, you are not alone. it’s not easy, but one day the peace will be louder than the fear that kept you there.
and when it comes, it will be like finally breathing again.

<3

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one step forward, two steps back
between your heart and mine.
i cried on shore, you drowned at sea.
right person, wrong time.

one step forward, two steps back
you fell straight through my hands.
we both held on, the love was there
yet it slipped straight through like sand.

one step forward, two steps back.
perhaps another life,
you’d wake beside me everyday
and hold me through the night.

from,
jade

so let's sit quietly in the dark
and i'll listen as you list every insecurity, every flaw,
anything about yourself that you find hard to love.

let me love them in the ways you cannot bring yourself to. 

the good, the bad, the ugly, show me them all
and let me love you all the same. 

~~~

(happy earth day <3)

from,
jade

]I've grown to fear sincerity
and smiles that reach the eyes 

I've grown to fear that you're just you
and that there's no disguise. 

I've grown to fear your warm embrace, 
your laughter oh so true. 

I've grown to fear the happiness
that comes when I'm with you. 

~~

I’ve grown to fear sincerity
so I'll push, then pull away. 

I'll run then hide and isolate
'till my vision's blue and grey. 

Your kindness makes me nauseous
and your patience makes me cry.

Yet you tell me I deserve it
though I know that that's a lie.

- J.Y.

I wrote this poem a year ago and it’s almost funny how different things are now. A year can change a lot of things!!

I feel like nowadays I do a bit less self sabotaging in my relationships and a bit more optimistic when viewing others. There’s still a lot of work to be done, but as I read this old poem, I’m happy to see that I’ve grown :)

From,
Jade

We live this life in halftones,
In uncertain shades of gray.
For how can we move forward
When we’re held back by yesterday? 

We live this life in halftones,
With emotions all half-felt.
We fear a life that’s lived alone,
But the dread of pain’s been dealt. 

We live this life in halftones,
The more we learn, the less we know.
For certainty’s a rare commodity,
And doubt is all that seems to grow.

We live this life in halftones,
And all we do is push away.
For our fear of hurt and lack of trust
Will never let them stay.

Perhaps it's in these halftones,
These shades of gray and doubt,
That we find the strength to carry on,
Rise above our fears and sprout.

For it's in struggle meaning’s found,
And it's in pain that one can grow.
Perhaps through all these contradictions
We may be set aglow.

From,
Jade

I’m sorry. There’s no excuse I can give; if anything it’s just my lack of emotional maturity, and it’s humiliating how much my flaws have hurt others.

I hope that by now you’ve either forgiven or forgotten me. Honestly, I’d rather it be the latter (though that seems to be my problem in the first place).

I never truly learned how to set boundaries.
When I did “learn” I ended up using them as some sort of twisted weapon instead of using them to protect others, myself, my peace, and my happiness.
I used my boundaries as an excuse to run.
I used them as an excuse to hurt rather than get hurt.

I’m sorry that most of the people I’ve hurt have been my friends. I wish I had communicated better. At the time, silence just seemed much more appealing than a conversation, but that is wrong and inexcusable. I should have given you more. I barely gave anything. I’m sorry.

I never realized how much ghosting hurt other people. I never realized how it felt to be shut out. I was so focused on my own problems that I stripped people of closure. I made people second guess themselves, and I hurt people’s pride. I angered some people and I left some wondering if they did something wrong to me when they didn’t. As cliche as it is, “it’s not you, it’s me”.

I should have known. I should have just taken a step outside my own mind and understood how others felt. Relationships are a two-way street—one that I didn’t value or put effort into. You deserve better and you have every right to hate me. I promise I’m doing everything I can to change and grow as a person, and I’m thankful for the people who have stayed despite it all. You are my home and I promise that despite my track record, I cherish you all so much and I will play my part.

As I reread this I can see how cringy this entire thing is, but still, I stand by it all. Writing this isn’t even close to the apology you deserve, but I hope that for now, it’s better than the selfish silence and hurtful acts I left you with. Someday, I will find the courage to say this to you directly.

I was wrong. I’m sorry. I hope you know that even if it doesn’t seem like it, I think about you often and I’m always wishing you the best.

From,
Jade

Grief has been on my mind lately.

I suppose it’s due to recent occurrences in my family, and my fascination with “On Death and Dying” by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.

For the longest time, I thought I had a good understanding of the feeling because how different could it be from the usual sorrow?

Years ago, when this feeling was nothing but a distant stranger to me, I imagined grief to simply be this very sad feeling after losing a loved one.

I now know that there’s so much more to it than that. It’s heavy, static, and unbearable. It’s screaming in anguish but staying silent—it’s tearing you apart but at the same time the overwhelming weight of it all forces your broken pieces back together.

You can grieve a loved one’s death. You can grieve for someone you’ve never met. You can grieve for someone who was once your friend but is no longer.

You can grieve because of empathy. You can grieve for a pet, a plant, or a home-cooked meal.

You can grieve for yourself.

You can grieve for a feeling, a moment, a memory.

You can grieve for anything you love.

“Life Lessons” is a book that taught me a lot, but this quote changed how I view life.

For in life, as much as you feel joy you will feel sorrow. For as much laughter fills your house, so will tears. After all, what is light without its shadow?

In the end, all this grief and sorrow serve as a reminder of how blessed I am to be able to love so strongly in this life. It hurts, yes, but this feeling of great loss comes from having had something great to lose—and I will be forever grateful for that.

Don't miss me.
But I still hear your voice in the wind.

I have nothing left.
But I would have given you everything
had I not been so blind. 

Don't grieve. I’m free now.
But it’s okay to grieve.
That’s how we know we loved.

- J.Y. Amaryllis

They say to love a house with all its crows,
so why not let me love you?

You, and every “messy” piece of yourself
that you sweep under the carpet.

You, and every broken shard of yours.
You, and what lies behind that shattered facade.
You, and every sob, every scar, and every flaw.
I want to hold those too.

Because you deserve to be loved.

Hi, a few people may know me as J.Y. Amaryllis, or you may know me as Writinghaven on Instagram. Though on here, I’d like to just go by Jade.

The human mind is a vast space of a thousand words and a million memories and I find each internal universe to be extremely unique and beautiful. I could only wish to read every single spoken and unspoken story.

Welcome to the quiet publication of mine.

Wishing you all the best and thank you for being here :)

From,
Jade

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